Repairing the Parent-Child Relationship After an Argument

So, you’ve gotten into an argument with your child, ended up having to play "bad guy" as they got in trouble, or said something you didn’t mean. How do you repair the relationship?

No parent or caregiver is perfect. We’ve all made mistakes. We’ve all had to play "bad cop". Yet, having a good relationship with your child is important. You want to make sure they can trust you, that they’ll come to you if they need help, and that they know you love them. Every relationship is different, but here are some things to start with:

• Say you're sorry when you’ve gone too far.

  • Kids deserve apologies as well.

  • This is a great way to showcase the correct behavior when we’ve hurt someone’s feelings.

• Explain the situation

  • Saying “because”, or “I’m the adult” is not an answer. Our kids, like ourselves, want to know the reasoning behind things.

  • It also helps them understand. They might not understand the reasoning behind the request or the consequence. Information, and contest is important.

• Don’t try to fix the situation when you or your child are still escalated.

  • Allowing everyone to get a much-needed break is key to success. We can’t have a good conversation if we’re all still upset.

  • Let your child take a break by doing a preferred activity, like reading a book, going for a walk, listening to music, or playing with Legos. Have set break options and encourage them.

  • Take a break yourself. Tag in another adult, if needed, and do something that will help you come back to baseline.  

• Have a neutral party, or mediator to talk to.

  • A mediator can be the other parent, a friend, or you may even consider finding a therapist to help increase parental skills.

• Know your own triggers and your child’s.

  • Have a conversation with your child to discover things they don’t like, or responses that are hard for them. That doesn’t mean you never use the world “no” again. Instead, we’re looking at things like “My child doesn’t want to be reprimanded in front of others, so we will talk about it in a private space”.

• Set the stage by having conversations about possible consequences if your child breaks rules.

  • This helps children understand what will happen, and the reasons behind the action.

• Remind the child of expectations, such as setting the stage for appropriate behaviors when you're headed to the grocery store, a birthday party, or the beach. There are often different rules and expectations when we go different places. Kids are often just learning this.  

• Live by the example that you want your children to showcase.

  • Children of all ages are little sponges. Give them opportunities to learn from your example.

  • Physical aggression, screaming, and throwing stuff are all things you don’t want your child to do.

    • If these are things you struggle with it’s okay to ask for help. It’s not too late to increase your own skills.

    • If you want your child to speak in a calm voice and explain why they are upset or feel wronged, you need to do the same.

      • You can also use the skill of starting to speak lower and lower in volume. We often will shift our speech patterns to match the person we’re talking to. This is often successful in having the other person's volume change to meet ours.

        

• Have a weekly self-care plan for you and your child.

  • Identify the things that are most important in the relationship with your child. Do they need regular hugs, conversations, or quality time to feel loved? It’s often a mix for each kid.

• Have set plans to spend some one-on-one time with your child. Just because they got in trouble doesn’t mean they need less of your time. Do activities that build rapport. Maybe they’ve lost video game time, due to poor grades. So instead of playing video games with them, like you may normally do, go for a walk, to a park, play catch in the yard, or have a family movie night. Punishment doesn’t equate to loving our child less.

• Stick to your word.

  • If you say it, do it.

    • If you told your child they don’t get to play video games for a week, or go to a friend's house that weekend, stick to it.

    • Children need consistency and need to know we mean what we say.

    • This also goes for non-punitive things. If you say you're going to do something fun with them, follow through.

    • Things do happen where maybe something changes, and it was unexpected. This is a perfect time to explain the situation in an age-appropriate way and often come up with an alternative.

• Sometimes we’re the bad guy.

  • Your child is not going to like you 100% of the time. Being a parent means we’re not just doing the fun stuff. Sometimes we have to say no. Sometimes we have to break out the consequences.

• Remind yourself that this is part of parenting. Talk to someone about how this makes you feel or find a therapist to dive deeper into those feelings, if needed. 

  
  

I hope you enjoyed this blog post,

Sophie Butcher MSW, LMSW